Writers Workshop

3 Feb

So, I’m IRL girlfriend deficient. I have very few people outside my family who I talk to on a regular basis.
I don’t know, I’m not shy. I think I come off kinda strong, exactly the way my kids do at a playdate to make the other kids shrink back against their mother in apprehension.
Well imagine my surprise when I totally hit it off with one of my neighbors in my apartment complex. She’s cool, not judgmental, polite, funny and generously nice. We are having a lot of fun getting to be friends.
In addition, she has never heard any of my jokes… frickin’ score.
No, you think you know, but you have no idea.
I have a photographic memory for jokes. I remember any joke that I hear or read, even the stuff in Readers Digest. I must have 10,000 jokes and an uncanny gift for delivering them… like an 80 year old man sitting at the kids table at Thanksgiving.

But none of these jokes are suitable for children.
Anyways, she has never heard my jokes. Not a one of them. My husband always rolls his eyes when I begin a joke he’s heard half a dozen times or more, but I love to rattle them off.
And now I have a fresh audience, virginal, untouched, a little bit drunk on this awesome Super Tuscan my husband found for me at Trader Joe’s.
In other words, I’m in my element and on the top of my game.
I tell her the one about the four nuns at the pearly gates. She nearly spits the last of her wine out.
I tell her the new Polish-Cajun restaurant’s specialty dish is blackened toast. She dies with laughter.
I meanwhile am enjoying myself immensely. I give myself a moment for a wry, knowing grin while the punchline takes effect, and then… yes. I laugh at my own jokes. I think they are funny, otherwise I wouldn’t be telling them.
Tears are rolling down her cheeks, my face hurts from smiling and laughing.
As she stands to leave, I take her empty glass and offer one more gem.

“Three women are sitting in the OB/GYN’s office. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead, all heavily pregnant.
The Doctor comes out and announces in a grand voice, ‘I have discovered a new way to determine what you ladies are each having.’ he sweeps across the room toward the brunette.
‘You my dear, what position were you in when you conceived your child?”
The brunette demurely puts a hand over her eyes in embarrassed shyness.
‘I was on the bottom.’ she murmurs.
‘Then you, my darling are having a boy!’ he announces assuredly.
‘You!’ he points at the redhead sitting saucily nearby, ‘What position were you in when you conceived your child?’
She puts her hand on her hip and proudly exclaims, ‘I was on the top!’
‘Then you, honey, are having a girl!’ he says.
Suddenly the blonde in the corner bursts into tears. He flies over to her concernedly, ‘Honey! Dear, what is the matter?’
Between her sobs, she manages to croak out weepily, ‘I’m… I’m… HAVING PUPPIES!!’
This wasn’t the first time someone has wandered from my door, cackling laughter into the night… and it probably wont be the last.

8 Responses to “Writers Workshop”

  1. MommyLisa February 3, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

    Blonde jokes. *sigh*

  2. Chantelle February 3, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    hilarious!!!! That’s too funny.
    I wish I was good at telling jokes. I can hear the absolute funniest joke but my re-telling only elicits a sympathy-chuckle.
    For some reason, I’m really funny on my own, but if I try to tell a joke it goes horribly wrong.
    you are lucky to have that gift!
    Stopped by from Mama Kat’s

  3. SuzRocks February 3, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    I’m pretty awful at telling jokes. I’ll get halfway through and then forget what the joke really went like. Needless to say, it is not impressive.

  4. Tori Nelson February 3, 2011 at 4:16 pm #

    Found you from Mama Kat’s! Your jokes make me seriously jealous. I have a bad way of forgetting the most important details when I try to tell a joke. Plus, I have the additional irritating habit of explaining how funny each joke is ABOUT to be for minutes before I attempt/fail at delivering. Seriously, the only joke I’ve managed to remember is a not-so-funny joke about cannibals. Keep on jokin’, sister! I totally would if I could🙂

  5. Jen February 3, 2011 at 10:00 pm #

    I laugh at my own jokes ALL the time. My husband thinks its very annoying (as I imagine most people would). I SO wish I could be deadpan (like my Dad, who always cracks me up), but it’s like a reflex, I can’t help it!

  6. mommylebron February 4, 2011 at 2:49 am #

    Here’s one to add to your list:
    A blonde walks into an appliance store and tries to buy a TV.
    The salesman says, “I’m sorry but we don’t sell TVs to blondes.”
    So she goes home and dyes her hair red. Then she returns to the appliance store and again tries to purchase the TV.
    The salesman says, “I’m sorry but we don’t sell TVs to blondes.”
    Undaunted the blonde returns home and dyes her hair black.
    Then she returns to the appliance store and again tries to purchase the TV.
    The salesman says, “I’m sorry but we don’t sell TVs to blondes.”
    She sighs and says “Ok, but how did you know I was a blonde?”
    “Because, that TV you’re trying to buy is a microwave.”

    Stopping by from Mama Kat’s!

  7. Truthful Mommy February 4, 2011 at 7:02 pm #

    Awww, sweet! Those are the best kind of nights. GIving or receiving laughter is always amazing!You go girl!

  8. purseblogger February 5, 2011 at 3:35 am #

    You never cease to crack me up girl, in so many different ways.

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